Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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