Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
