don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
