also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
