i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
