I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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