Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
