Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
