How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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