I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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