im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Barsexuality is the new black.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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