So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
