Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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