we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
