He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
