Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
