Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
