Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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