i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
