remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
