If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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