Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
