if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
