Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
