She said her name was "party"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
