don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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