What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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