I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
