i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
