So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
