Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i dont even know how to be here
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
