I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
