You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
