I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
