pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
