im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
