did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
