The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
