Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
