I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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