dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
