Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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