I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this will be a night to untag.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
