My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
