i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
