she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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