here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
