Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
