I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
