bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
