Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
