we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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