The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
